― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
Due to an unanticipated complication to recent illness I
haven’t been able to wear makeup for over a week. I’m like most women of a certain age – I don’t
wear a lot, but I have a look, a finish, a mask. And I was surprised and intrigued by my own, and
others, reaction to the lack of makeup.
I like makeup. I can
hide things, enhance things, and was very excited when my son first introduced me to primer. I had to ask what it
was. He told me to think of it as
polyfiller. Done! So when you are accustomed to having an
identifiable physical face that you present to the world the consequences of
leaving it behind when you leave the house can be quite extraordinary.
From inside my head I still feel like the same person,
obviously. However my reality check
first hit me when I stopped for fuel on the way to work. The console operator, whom I see several
times a week, asked me if I was unwell. I said no.
Then I remembered what I looked like.
And became immediately self-conscious about presenting my natural face
in public. I began explaining that I had
no makeup on, and then why. Even as I
was doing this I became irritated. Not
at her. But at my need to explain.
I felt naked. I felt
unfinished. I felt...ugly. The feelings continued throughout the days as
people asked me: Have you been
crying? Are you sick? What’s wrong with your face?
Like most girls, I grew up believing I was ugly. We do, you know. We are bombarded with air-brushed, digitally
enhanced bullshit from the moment we open a magazine. Our acceptance as women in this society is
diabolically tied to our being suitably coiffed, waxed, manicured, pedicured,
made-up and thin. And we buy into this
not realizing at the time that we have accepted a bill of goods that does not exist
within reality.
It’s like being naked in public. People are uncomfortable. Here’s the sadness – I’m uncomfortable
too. Every morning I look at myself in
the mirror and plan how I will hide my face.
Truth is, I’m not ugly.
I was just sold a bill of goods.
